Some Questions....

So, I read an essay the other week... It talked about the story where Abraham took his son up on the hill to sacrifice him. But part of the point of the story was that the person writing thought that real, true faith was on the back side of complete resignation.

I've been kinda chewing on this... It feels important to me, but I can't figure out why... I try to dig into it, but I don't quite the handle that I can really hang on to...

But I wonder if maybe that is the path I'm currently on... So many things have been stripped away... Church thing after church thing that I thought was important say 5, 10, maybe 20 years ago have become unimportant.  Some of those things I now think of as actually wrong.

I've been off and on thinking about what this life following Jesus is really all about... So much of american church seems to push the idea that it's my regular life, only better. But I don't think that's it at all...

I read things by a guy from Kenya and see such a huge difference in focus and background.  He thinks so drastically different... But he isn't 100% right either...

But back to the beginning point... Does any of it matter? Perhaps the real meat of the matter happens after I give up on everything... Not in a defeated way... But with a realization that I have no real control, that I don't understand how it all works, and that the whole of everything is God's anyway... 

So what does giving up mean? I'm pondering that.  Perhaps part of it is that I quit caring so much about what others think... Maybe part of it is that I stop trying to figure out what to do with my life... Maybe I stop trying to like or not like the things I do and just do them... Or not do them... Like who cares if work is fun or not, it is the task before me, and I will do it.  Like the dishes, or the laundry...

I dunno... I really don't... 

I do know that day after day is going by. It feels like time is being wasted, but even as I go to type that, I wonder if that's something I should be worried about.

I don't have answers... And a part of me says that I'm not supposed to.